Goodbye Maternity Leave

Well, this is it, my last few hours of maternity leave... tomorrow I return to work and leave my newest little sweetheart with strangers. This has got to be one of the hardest days of motherhood.

Even though I know this is going to hurt and be really hard, I also know in my heart that it is the right thing to do. I know that my career is a part of me - an essential part. As much I may not like to admit it some days, I know that in order to be the best mom I can be, I need to get away from my girls and work. I need it for reasons that I can't really explain. And so, we come to this moment. When I need to entrust my child to someone I barely know and believe that they will be a positive influence on their upbringing. It helps that I have been here before with H - I've seen how she has grown and learned in her 3 short years and I know that I probably wouldn't have been able to provide her with the same kind of opportunity that she currently has by attending a day care. She's learning valuable social skills in addition to all the "smarts" stuff she needs to know. I'm proud of her and the little girl she is and the young lady and woman she will become. And I want those same things for L.

But none of that really makes it any easier. I am dreading that heart-wrenching moment when I put L in someone else's arms and turn to leave. I don't know if I should hope for tears (she's gonna miss her mommmy-yay!) or an easy good-bye (it makes me feel less guilty in a way). With H it was tears and wailing (from both of us) that I could hear all the way down the hall to the door. I almost turned back to get her... don't know what I would have done afterwards, all I knew was that my child was majorly upset and I needed to go and fix it. I remember crying on the way to work wondering how I was ever going to manage this. But we made it through and now I get to do it again.

And even though I've been here before, I am still filled with that impending guilt, the anxiety, the anticipation, the doubt. I have no idea how it will go tomorrow. In these 12 very short weeks, I have already seen how very different H and L are. Two girls with the same parents, in the same house, being raised the same way, and already very different personalities and quirks. L is much more laid-back - she fusses less, she seems more tolerant of her surroundings, she's often quiet and observant. So maybe tomorrow won't be as hard for her as it was for H. But I think it will still be just as hard for me.